Tuesday, February 14, 2012

A Warning to Blake

A child-related ritual began last night that's sure to repeat itself over the next decade. That is unless the PC Police get their way and redo February 14th as Platonic Friend and Non-Offensive Greeting Card Exchange day, but I digress. Because our daycare provider must have a thing for extreme sports, they decided to throw a Valentines Day party for ten two year olds. I'd rather take my chances with a creaky bridge in a third world country and a questionably-tied bungee cord around my ankles.

The wife insisted the kid and I ‘help’ with getting her cards ready for the party.

Her contribution was to put stickers on the cards.  My contribution was to remove the stickers from her mouth. The wife wrote nice things in her best girly handwriting.  Go team.
Ten kids, ten cards, ten bags of organic, sugar free fruit snacks, easy enough.  Each card got a sticker. That is, all but one. 

His name is Blake.  The name alone makes me cringe. Blake? In my mind I picture a beach-blonde surfer wannabe with the IQ of a conch shell standing at the front door with his hand-me-down Euro car leaking oil on my driveway. 

Blake’s card got three stickers.

“Whoa, Blake gets three stickers?”

“Who the hell is Blake?

“Blake’s cute, he shared his Teddy Grahams with her yesterday.” The wife chimes in.

Blake, if you’re reading this, listen up. I’m watching you. This is my daughter and I am that dad.  Before you get any crazy ideas and want to start sharing your monster trucks and making googly-eyes at naptime, just know you are going to have to get through me first.  So when you get this three-stickered Valentine’s Day card with the little monkeys on it, just say thanks and nothing more. Put your hands back in your little OshKoshes, go talk to someone else and take your long blonde hair with you. And this conversation never happened. M’kay?

In unrelated news, anyone want to sign my Platonic Friend Day petition?


  1. This made me laugh out loud. With three daughters, I can totally relate. Although when my 7yo said she was "going out with" the ugly kid from across the street, my response wasn't to break his fingers, but to tell her that she could do better. Though I hope she won't try.

    And I agree. Blake is definitely going to grow up to be a douche.

  2. We've already picked out a nice boy with a proper name and haircut for her to date when she's 25. If I live that long...

  3. Hey my daughter's name is Blake LOL !!! Fun post, great blog. Keep it up.

    1. Thanks! For the record, Blake is a perfectly acceptable girls name...