Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Rant: The Bank

I hate the bank.

Why exactly, I don't know. Maybe, in this digital age of uber-convenience and humanless transactions, it's a sense of resentment of having to actually physically be at this place to manage MY money and to pay someone else to hold it for me. Even though there's nothing really to actually you know, hold. I made it, I spend it. I don't get paid in gold nuggets or singles. So why am I here?

Our paychecks are direct-deposited and 99% of our financial goings-on happen in front of a computer. Yet, I still find myself inside a bank a once a month on average depositing some random check from Grandma or my employer (who can't figure out how to add on a reimbursement to my electronically deposited paycheck) or exchanging for Euro's as yet another sibling in-law goes off to study abroad. 

Yes, I know. There are banks that will allow you to do all this electronically now. You can scan and deposit checks with fancy apps and your average smart phone, and I could cure my bankaphobia for good. I get it. Unfortunately, my current bank doesn't offer that and since almost all our bills (and we have lots of bills) are tied in to our current account, switching now would keep me busy for the next couple of decades. Besides, you ever try breaking up with your bank? The folks at Big Gym even think the bank's a little tough to deal with.

And are bank drive-thru's intentionally designed to enrage, or do they just not care that making a 90 degree turn in the average mid-size car to make my deposit requires mirror damage and numerous hand gestures? They have the technology to send a Chipotle burrito-sized pod 400 mph through a magic tube, but they can't make an ATM that I can access without having to do that shoulder-wrenching, door half-opened, arm at full reach in the pouring rain, while I constantly check every mirror in anticipation of my imminent robbing?

Perhaps it's the one-too-many unsolicited critiques of my financial status over the years. Yes, I know my account was almost over-drawn. Yes, I am aware of how direct deposits work and it will save me the trouble of coming to this stupid place and having to talk to you. No, I don't want to upgrade my checking account to another type of checking account. No, I don't need new checks, the five hundred I ordered three years ago should hold me over for another ten.  No, I don't wish to speak with a financial consultant about helping my finances, unless he's offering me a job that pays more than I currently make there's not much he can do to help. Yes, I know I just made a large deposit and have a large enough balance for your next prestigious checking account. Thank you, for announcing that to everyone here. Do I get mugged here, or does someone just follow me home? Yes, I WILL have a nice day.

Why do bank tellers have to be so engaging? I didn't come here to chat on my lunch break. I don't get this much banter when I get a hair cut, just take my money and say thank you. You don't need to discern what I do for a living, where I work, or what my kid's favorite vegetable is in a 90 second transaction. I try to not make eye-contact in hopes that they will take the hint but it never works. They're as bad as the mall cellphone kiosk guys. Okay, almost as bad. I mean, have you ever screwed up and made eye-contact with one of those dudes? They'll ruin a night of Banana Republic and Cheesecake Factory like nothing else.